Le Fate Ignoranti

This weekend's been a challenge. Discovered that I was missing a bike part yesterday, so I spent the day running errands on foot. It made for a long day.

Got the living room part of my studio cleaned, & that was more traumatic than I thought. I packed a box of Roy's last belongings, but no sooner would I tape it up than I would discover one more thing that should go in. I broke down a couple times, and have been feeling heavy in my soul all weekend.

Part of the trigger was a roll of film I found. I've seen it laying around for months now, along with a camera that Roy had never used, much less mentionned. I brought the mysterious roll in, wondering what it held. Clues to some of the mysteries of the past year, perhaps. Or pics from his past life.

I knew it was dangerous to get them developed, but I went ahead. And sure enough, it was Christmas pics from him and his ex. The other Mike. It was strange to view this tidy domestic scene. Mike smiling, & much more feminine looking than I would have thought; Roy looking lost. Handsome, sure ... but lost.

I put 'em in with his box. There's still one more roll at Long's. I'll check them out mid-week.

So it's been a chore cleaning. Maybe I'm finally dealing with our split. His reaction was so dramatic that the first couple weeks I was spending more energy making sure he was ok than making sure I was. Which was kind of the pattern all along.

The house feels empty without him. It's hard to clean, or read, or cook, or even watch movies. I do better in relationships. And yet I crave freedom and adventure. One day I'll have to reconcile the two.