Which end is up?

This is gonna be a messy post. My world just got spun upside down again.

I was at the bookstore, picking up a guide to Turkey, when Ron called with gossip. Good. I love gossip. But the news was this: he just had a great night with Roy and his new boyfriend. Already? They were happy and giggly and flirting with each other. Roy? Giggly? And did you say flirting with everyone?

They're a couple. Frik. A family. The new husband, with his Jaguar and his two kids, spending their weekend in Wai`anae swimming with the dolphins.

I don't know what to make of it all. If I even smiled at someone it would lead to a jealous fight. Our rare nights out consisted of him pouting until we got home, at which point he would be happy again [and I would be pissed]. I could barely get him out of bed before noon for a bike ride, much less an adventure. This isn't the man I knew. And definitely not the man who was fucking suicidal all weekend.

And I don't understand my own reactions at all. I'm shaking. Not sad, not mad, not angry. Just shaking. Partly it's a release of so much pent-up emotion. Stress from thinking his life was in danger. Stress from the guilt of causing him pain. Stress from avoiding Waikiki for fear of running into him and having a scene. And stunned, because I haven't even started to date yet and he's married already.

I've just been coming to terms with the choices I made. I know I'll probably be single for awhile. It's the pattern. And I've been surprised at how fast my bad bachelor habits returned [late nights doing nothing, not eating right, skipping the gym, wasting too much time on-line], and how fast the loneliness returned. I thought I'd get more than a three week respite, but like an old friend it was right there waiting for me.

Of course I'm moving on. I've had fabulous nights out with friends - some of the best nights in a year. I've got a huge trip coming up to Greece and Turkey. I've reconnected with friends. And I've got my profile out there. But tonight in particular was one of those rough ones, with a three day weekend ahead and almost no plans for it. So I'll go out and have a good time. I'm glad he's happy. It's what I wanted. But suddenly I don't think I can handle seeing it.

Three days ago I was the stable one. And now I'm the mess?