Next Sunday is Moloka`i Hoe. It's like this big wall blocking my view of the future, and I can't see over it. Every minute in the next week is going to come down to this: prepare for the crossing.
Two weeks ago, after Henry Ayau, I thought: I'm finally ready. I can do this. This week I'm not feeling it that much. I've been training hard, and doing alright in practice. I've also been eating junk, drinking too much wine, and smoking. It's almost as if there's something unconscious in me trying to sabotage things, or looking for a back-door out. Especially the smoking. I know better, but I'm always thinking: one more day won't hurt. You already had a couple yesterday, so what's a couple more today? And every night I destroy the pack or give it to Hau or Jack. And the next night I'll go upstairs for a drink & .... just have one. Or five.
I don't take recovery one day at a time. I take my addictions one day at a time. I need to find a way to reverse the polarity.
Same with wine, and same with Ben and Jerry's. They were my rewards for not smoking. The problem was, I'd smoke a few & still buy the bottle of red and the pint of Ben & Jerry's (or Dove, or Haagen Dazs - whatever was on sale, and something was always on sale). It reached a point where it was standard fare. My dinner each night last week was pasta with marinara, some type of burger (beef, salmon, or veggie), half a pint of ice cream, and a couple glasses of red wine, followed by a three or four smokes.
That's all over this week. Roz recommends hard-core protein loading for Thursday and Friday, then carb-loading on Saturday. Curt recommends hard-core protein loading starting today. I'll work out hard this weekend and Monday, and then take it light the rest of the week. And sleep at 10pm, using pills if I have to.
Hopefully I'll time everything right to peak on Sunday.
Two weeks ago, after Henry Ayau, I thought: I'm finally ready. I can do this. This week I'm not feeling it that much. I've been training hard, and doing alright in practice. I've also been eating junk, drinking too much wine, and smoking. It's almost as if there's something unconscious in me trying to sabotage things, or looking for a back-door out. Especially the smoking. I know better, but I'm always thinking: one more day won't hurt. You already had a couple yesterday, so what's a couple more today? And every night I destroy the pack or give it to Hau or Jack. And the next night I'll go upstairs for a drink & .... just have one. Or five.
I don't take recovery one day at a time. I take my addictions one day at a time. I need to find a way to reverse the polarity.
Same with wine, and same with Ben and Jerry's. They were my rewards for not smoking. The problem was, I'd smoke a few & still buy the bottle of red and the pint of Ben & Jerry's (or Dove, or Haagen Dazs - whatever was on sale, and something was always on sale). It reached a point where it was standard fare. My dinner each night last week was pasta with marinara, some type of burger (beef, salmon, or veggie), half a pint of ice cream, and a couple glasses of red wine, followed by a three or four smokes.
That's all over this week. Roz recommends hard-core protein loading for Thursday and Friday, then carb-loading on Saturday. Curt recommends hard-core protein loading starting today. I'll work out hard this weekend and Monday, and then take it light the rest of the week. And sleep at 10pm, using pills if I have to.
Hopefully I'll time everything right to peak on Sunday.
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