Saturday, November 04, 2006

Cyber Eye 1

Go to the bar and look at 'em. They come in all shapes and sizes. You think you can pick out gay men on the street, but you can't. Most only stand out if they choose to stand out.

But once inside they cannot hide. I'm convinced that there is some undiscovered interior-design gene that is strongly correlated with male homosexuality. I don't care if they are a doctor or a trucker, it's all the same. They may be butch in the streets, but they are sweet in their sheets of ten-million count Egyptian cotton. There's no dust on the mantle and no clutter under the bed and every piece of furniture is perfectly arranged with the mad Zen-like precision of an Ikebana master.

But no system is fool-proof. You can't always tell if a man is gay by his house, because some of us are missing that gene. There's not many, to be sure, but we're here. And I know who you are ... hell, I've dated most of you .... but don't worry, I won't out you. I'm one of you - I have all the design skills of a 23-year old straight boy.

Those days might be over. I'm getting help with a makeover, and we'll do it [almost] Live and Online.

Here's the story: I meet Gary over a week ago. Come Sunday, I agreed to help him in his mother's yard in the morning, and he agreed to come over and help me arrange some plants in the afternoon. I had already adopted a lot of rare and beautiful bromeliads from David and Roger when they moved further out into suburbia. Then, just that Saturday, I inherited lots of hina hina, staghorn fern, orchids, and other various plants from Tom, who's moving to Arizona. I needed to get them set before they weekend.

So Sunday morning I dug holes for his mom. Easy. Simple. Ooo-rah work. I could handle. Then we went to my place ... and Gary revealed his skills. He went to the junk corner of my garden, all weeds and catshit and mud. I told him there was nothing there of interest. He announced that, in that case, he was going to make it the focal point.

I went inside and poured some drink. What else was there to do? I got out the shears to help him, but he stopped me and made me put them back. He wasn't going to allow any cutting.

Now. My favorite gardening tool is my machete. I sharpen it and oil it and go to war with the jungle that is my yard. I don't know how to garden without cutting. I mean, chopping things down is half the fun. But today we weren't going to chop, and I entered some new territory. I helped for awhile, and then just went inside and cooked dinner.

A few hours later he had taken my junk and turned it into this:

There's a complete set of pictures on my Photobucket Site (or just follow the photos link below my pic). I've got the work Gary did, although I'm missing details on the orchids, rocks, and bromeliads. I also posted some before pictures of the rest of the yard ... because Gary is on a roll. I mean, he was starting to feng shui and bedazzle my study.

I'm down with that. The only problem is, he's back across the ocean now. Which, as I've noted before, ptooey.

So we'll do it online. Here's the plan: I'll post pics, he'll offer the design, I'll get to work ... and we'll do it all here and in the public eye.

It'll be fun - so stay tuned! I'll get some interior shots posted tomorrow.


gary said...

fun. ok buddy, this is your idea!

looked at the pics of what we did last sunday. here's some suggested improvements...(it was too dark when i left that night):

1) the donkey tail...see that bare patch on the lower left? take some hina hina from a big clump somewhere else in the tree and hang it that gap so it looks fuller. you wrap the hina hina gently around the donkey tail and through em so the tails don't break...

2) the hina hina that's on the branch next to the donkey tail? push the left side of it only (over toward the right side about 8 inches...squish it). you want that to be more asymmetrical between the staghorn, donkey tail and hina hina...right now the hina hina looks like laundry on a clothes line...not so natural...

3) you need to put some stuff around the edge of your koi pond that's not under the tree so the edge "disappears"...see what we did with the pond under the tree...most of the edge is camouflaged by plants?

i want you to get some of those one gallon black plastic pots (smallest size of the pots the anthuriums are in)...maybe about 7 or 8 of them... and maybe 3 that are the size of the anthurium pots...and get a 2 cu. ft. bag of potting soil.

dig up lauwa'i in the yard by that big rock and put em in those pots.

if you've got any ferns other than lauwa'i in the yard...plant some of those, too.

4) the orchids on the ladder... scrounge around for clay pots around the yard to put the plastic ones'll look more uniform.

5) we forgot to plant something in that little duck next to the water plant...look for something in your yard that'll stay really small...maybe some keiki bromeliads with very small leaves?

there you go...let me know if you have any questions. g

gary said...

oh crap, i forgot...

6) ah...i missed the christmas lights over your window...take em down 'til christmas...